Emotional Shrapnel

The process of divorce feels like it’s never truly done, there remains moment and triggers we aren’t aware of-a moment in thought, a moment of the past pops up in our heads, a place or city that once frequented…I think you all get what I’m saying, the past triggers us!

2 years post divorce I recall becoming very upset by my ex asking about a password for an IPAD via email and at first I was like cool let’s get this resolved. But as each email that came through, there was continued follow up, I became more and more triggered and upset. I had come to realize my “wound” was still very apparent through this interaction and became more and more emotional and angry as I dealt with this seemingly tiny request.

At this moment, I discovered there were still lots of things unforgiven and there was what I like to call “emotional shrapnel” still left behind. I literally asked the universe for guidance, I needed help and support to move forward in my life. Mind you, I was in a newly committed relationship (my now fiance) thinking I’ve moved on-having a new relationship did not automatically mean everything was fine and dandy. I still had more healing to do for myself.

Low and behold, I met a woman named Kim Le, she became my healer-I had no idea what a healer was but did a 45 min introduction call and decided to take the plunge both spiritually and financially.

My healing began with Kim, I was guided by my higher self in this process and started to do work on myself and forgive the relationships that caused me deep pain, starting with my divorce. I learned to express the pent up anger and sadness within me, “telling” my ex the things I was so afraid to say to him through visualization and embodiment, freeing me of my anger. When things are left unexpressed, this stirs within us, like a lingering cough that we can’t quite get rid of.

Not only did I work on moving forward from this, I also focused on my relationship with my parents. As I focused on heating and rewiring my brain on what was real and what was constructed by my 5 year old self, I started to identify areas of my life that I didn’t get what I needed from my parents, no fault of theirs, they truly gave me what they thought best both materially and financially.

Through this journey of delving into the depths of me, I learned that I repeated and learned how to love by modeling my parents because that was all I had to reference growing up. I took on my mom’s definition of being a wife which in Chinese culture is being someone who always puts the family first and never herself, she scarified every part of her to raise our family and run a business. This in other words translated into, your needs don’t matter, you are not allowed to ask for what you need (which for me caused a lot of anxiety and feel inferior) in my adult life. I sacrificed for my teams when I worked, I put work first, it was the most important thing in my parents world (or so it appeared as a child) which resulted in me burning out.

Wow, the amount of “truths” uncovered in those 6 months, now reflecting on it challenged me to shift from my dis-empowering childhood stories and reframing them to be empowering.

Reframing is key in helping me bounce back from my divorce. Now instead of my divorce is a bad and shameful experience, I am forever thankful to my ex for loving me enough to let me go and become who I am today. We both had to break our hearts to grow into the people we are destined to be.

As for my parents, my parents worked so hard because they refused to let us have anything less than the best for our family, giving me a head start in life to pursue whatever I choose vs. worrying about the basics like food and shelter.

Work for me now is no longer a place I have to be, I get to be at work to make an impact with the people that I work for and work with, it’s no longer a means to an end, it’s the place in which I can truly make a contribution and incorporate my passion into my day to day work. I don’t work long hours and put everyone else ahead of me, I speak up about what’s important to me and I chose a company and people to work with and for that honors this.

And now 4 years later, I still have moments where I’m triggered by my divorce and experience bits of emotional shrapnel in my life. There are moments I still fear another divorce could come or history could repeat itself, the effects of a divorce are never gone, you may move forward but the lessons and emotional experience still remain.

The purpose of this experience in my life, I believe this is a reminder of how resilient and strong I am, how loved I am by my friends and family, and how it feels to be in the arena everyday (thank you Brene Brown for your ground breaking work). These are some things I hope those of who have or are going through divorce see, it’s the light at the end of the tunnel. Do not sell yourself short, allow yourself to love yourself through this journey.

Living a life filled with depth, richness, and aliveness is what I want, even it means experiencing the hard stuff (heartbreak & loss). Without knowing what loss and heartbreak feels like I don’t think I would know what true joy and happiness truly feel like. I am thankful for this life and can’t wait to see what I create next.

I’ve seen many beautiful lives created after divorce, new families created and blended, new marriages filled with courage and honesty blossom, more self love and care sprout from divorce, you get to create the life you want, please connect with others who may be in the midst of divorce and share what you’ve created after divorce to give others hope for what to look forward to.

Thank you.