The idea of divorce didn't exist in my family, it was only people we knew of but no one close to my family ever divorced. Divorce was not a topic that was discussed in the Chinese/Chinese American Community.
With no exposure to divorce or how to deal with this , I was shocked by my own divorce back in 2016. I was 29 years old, newly married to my college sweetheart of 10 years living in the heart of Silicon Valley. My life as I knew it was shattered and I was in shock. I read in American Psychological Association 40-50% of marriages in the US end in divorce. I never ever thought I would be a part of that statistic.
As I reflect on that period in my life, I was lost, lonely, heart broken and felt a deep sense of shame and loss, not to mention rage and anger. All of these emotions were foreign to me. I grew up an extremely optimistic, happy, go lucky kind of girl and saw the good in everything/everyone. I found it impossible to see the good in this in the very beginning stages. I was at a complete loss of how to cope and asked "WHY is this happening to me? What have I done wrong?" I felt I was being punished by the universe, I was a good person and treated everyone with kindness and care but now being cruelly punished.
As I searched for answers, I found the 7 Stages of Grief and was consoled by my loved ones, my girlfriends were there through the ugly and darkest moments of my life. I needed to learn how to grieve. One of my girlfriends told me to cry when I needed to cry, take time to let whatever emotions there are to just be.
This takes me to the scene in Sex and The City Movie where Carrie Bradshaw and the girls go to Mexico...
Carrie asks Miranda: "Will I Ever Laugh Again?"
Miranda: "Yes!"
Carrie: "When?"
Miranda: "When something is really really funny!"
Miranda was right, when something is really funny you will laugh again.
Putting the movie aside, I wanted to acknowledge those who are divorced or divorcing, thank you for your strength and courage to go through this process of loss and grieving. Allowing yourself to be broken open from the inside out, embracing the unknowns and living into the possibilities of life.
Divorce is not the end of one's life, it's the closing of one chapter and the blossoming of the next magnificent chapter.
My lesson I learned from divorce and destruction of my old life is that now I get to truly create the life I want, not the life that was "given" to me through my culture, social norms, or what is expected instead I chose to live a life that lights me up from the inside out.
Dedicated to those who are divorced or in the process of divorcing-it takes courage and heart to let go of what was to move into what is possible.
More to come, this is the first of a Series-Life After Divorce. Stay Tuned.