In the last few years, I've watched relationships shift and evolve - some moving into marriage and celebration, and others ending in divorce and breakups. A few people who've gone through the breakups asked me, "What it's look like from the other end?"
My answer, "Oh my god, it's better than I could have ever imagined." with a giant smile.
It's easy to say those words now but in the midst of it all - in the dark swirling storm of emotions and hurt, it feels like it'll never be better. The daily reminders and reflection of "What went wrong?", "How did I get here?", "I thought they loved me.", and"He/She was the ONE!"
The truth is...when our expectations do not match our reality we will be disappointed...always. The picture we had of our future together dies when breakups happen. Our brains experience this as if we lost a loved one (death specifically). According to Katherine Woodward Thomas and research, "we are wired to connect and when we lose our primary relationship, our bodies and brains mourn that as a death." The most difficult part is mourning the death of a dream you had with that primary partner, which causes a lot of pain in the form of anger, sadness, loss, and hopelessness.
Next question I get is "How do I make it better?" There really is no short answer to this but it starts with making a decision about what you want and deserve. It may be difficult now, but imagine what it would be like to have the love of your life. What would it feel like? Use your imagination....MAN, imagination may not be in our vocabulary as "adults" but trust me! It's such a powerful space to imagine your ideal love.
I have to thank Katherine Woodward Thomas and her book Conscious Uncoupling for her guidance and teachings on how to breakup and heal with love vs. hate and anger. This book literally shifted my perspective from victim to taking full ownership of my life and gave me back the power of choice.
Healing often starts with looking for answers and guidance, to find out why we are in the situation we are in. In the process of seeking, I came across various books, podcasts, meetups, retreats - the whole shebang. I found the most impact in my journey of healing from the following:
Books:
Travel: Places of Healing
Esalen in Big Sur, California - I reconnected with myself taking my first ever solo trip to this beautiful and magical place built on the cliffs of Big Sur, California. I was unplugged from my life for 3 days at a time, in nature and connected with others who are in various stages of their lives but here is where I really connected with me.
Other ways I found healing was support from trained professionals - I was directed by a loving and trusted friend to therapy. She shared how therapy had helped her through her own breakup previously and even if I felt like I was in a good place, it's good to do maintenance.
Therapy made a significant impact on my life - it helped me understand how to navigate a dual cultured life with competing values and expectations and as a result, now I can say I navigate both cultures with more ease and feel more empowered to draw on both Eastern and Western perspectives in life and in my career.
The other was Kim Le Healer based here locally in San Francisco Bay Area. She was instrumental in diving deep into my limiting stories and wounding. Her ability to hold me safely in a space of healing and experiencing my emotions helped me move forward more powerfully and into a healthier perspectives on life and work. In addition, it allowed me to take control of my life and make more powerful, resonant choices.
As you can see healing is a journey - I have learned that I don't have to go through this journey alone. One of the most important parts of this journey are my friends and family - they were there supporting me and cheering for me as I healed. There was a point where I didn't talk to my friends for extended periods of time, but I knew they were there for me - that knowing got me through the tough times.
My family delivered unwavering support, especially my dad who gave me the power of choice. He let me know "Debbie, whatever you decide we support your decision." My sisters, being there when I was scared and hurting, talking through the bad, the ugly, and also being there to celebrate when I had something to celebrate. To my aunt, who supported me in my decision and help me "let go" during settlement negotiations and remind me that whatever is lost monetarily can be earned through hard work and commitment. She saved me years of legal battles here. Letting go was the most powerful lesson I learned here.
The saying, "It takes a village to raise a child." is SO TRUE...as I continue this life journey, I continue to learn and grow. Healing and bouncing back from the disappointments in life is what's most powerful. The different perspectives gained through books, podcasts, therapy, healers, friends, and family is all a part of the School of Life. There is much to learn and experience - at least now there are some places and resources to discover if you need to heal.
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